First Day of the Rest of My Life.....

Day 3 of trying to make a serious change in en effort to break out of my mental funk.  What I want to be doing and what I actually do are in as much conflict as who I want to be and who I actually am.

As I sit here listening to classical music, that I am all to familiar with, writing, thinking, cogitating....it reminds me of my college self that refused to posses a television because it got in the way of my intellectual pursuits. I was a veracious reader with myriad interest that were well diversified across art and architecture from the Roman Empire all the way through the Byzantine, Renaissance, Baroque and Classical eras. The days when simple things like Giotto's O absolutely fascinated me and power meant the Medici family, not being Partner at a consulting firm that B School was molding me for. So passionate that I was about learning things that I thought were far beyond my reach, I never would have imagined it leaving me the way it has. It was replaced by practical things like business and technology and anything else that would help me fit into a nice neat box and a life of normalcy and privilege for my daughter.

That is what I want to be doing but, what I am doing is letting myself down with mental laziness and busywork.  From the outside it appears as that I am always accomplishing many different tasks, and I am, but most are a deflection and distraction. Everything does have do be in its proper place before I can adequately function, however.  I have always used the analogy of untied shoe strings that make walking difficult. Now with Betty, Xiffy, the Dogs, Finances, Life.....I spend my days making sure my shoes are always tied and that's a lot of shoe strings!  Problem is, once they are all tied up, I celebrate not by diving into a good read, moving closer to writing the book I have talked about for so long, putting together a nice video to document my greatest trip ever, feeding my brain,.......rather, vegetating in front of the devils box, peeking my head out only occasionally to remind myself how blessed I am to be living where I do, anywhere and everywhere really!

The man that I want to be and the man that I am will be an eternal struggle always filled with untied shoe strings.  But as a lifelong God fearing man, I am keenly aware of how I miss the mark every day.

To effect a change in the right direction, the first step is always to turn off the television and dial up the music.  Step one complete 4 days in a row now.  Step two is writing and more writing.  It's how I tie up the shoe strings in my mind and make sense of it all.  First step of this step but where shall I start to untangle the hundreds of things congealed in my mind?  It's all just one big chaotic blob of incredible experiences, topics, blessings, hurts, and confusion, each deserving a separate in depth writing session to fully explore and purge from my mind.

The nomad adventures began in 2015. Should I write about the   lessons learned from the road? North and South or East and West? There is so much!

Do I write about the 8 Month Florida Adventure? I get asked how the trip was constantly and my standard canned response is "extreme highs and lows and not much in the middle." Such and easy way out of explaining what each of those levels even mean.

Or do I write about my current thoughts of how I am not enjoying being back and falling into the same rut that forced the change in the first place.  The fear of boredom setting in because I have already done everything and been everywhere on the west coast that I had interests in?  Doing it all again just seems boring and part of joining the rut.

How about personal growth, current thoughts on life, family and meaning of living?

Money? Bitcoin, enough said.

Or, future plans?! In my career I had to do big things that others wouldn't dare to attempt. I'm finding in retirement it's the same. When I was in college, I very much looked forward to getting my hefty text book, for whatever class it was, and looking to the back of the book.  What excited me was what I was actually going to know at the end; the reading, study, and learning were a given.  Coming out of the other end, it would be my knowledge and my experiences of gaining it that was the most valuable. Work was the same.  No challenge was to big because it was coming out of the other side that motivated me.  Now life's adventures. How many would do what I just did in Florida with the limited experience that I had going into it? Now on the other side, I came back 100X the mariner than I was before. I fear nothing locally and I am ready for the next chapter.

My current mindset is that I want to break free and the most logical way to do that is to spend some time back at the beginning, the Pacific!  I have a route in mind and places I want to see. Same as before but it was such a big plan it would have taken me years. I had Florida right in front of me with the right boat to do it, so I did it and I'm better for it.  To get back to the original plan will involve many, many things.  A lot of local sailing experience; a lot of new skills that need to be developed; a new boat more suitable for blue water sailing.  I have the funds and the desire to go now and I am in a race against my body.

I can spend my life in doctors offices but where would I start? Back? Neck? Knees? Shoulder?  And to what end?  None can be fixed, only managed. I refuse to take pain pills and my body will continue to break down.  I would probably have a better shot at any kind of care somewhere else. That being said, none of that will impede my plans.

However, I should learn how to pole a jib, fly a code 0, get more heavy weather experience, spend time looking for the right boat......

I'm hear for at least the next year but I'm trading in my shoe laces for a new set!